i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
