also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
