did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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