Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
