Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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