Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
