the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
