I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My feet surprised me
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
