So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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