sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
