the condom got lost in my hair
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
