I wish I could teleport
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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