Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Never joke about your clitoris.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
