No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
