The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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