What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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