Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
