last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
