Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
