cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
