Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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