its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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