Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
