She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I need to calm my uterus...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
