What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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