wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
