I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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