yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
