I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
