I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
