i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
