I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
