The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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