You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
