Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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