Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
