Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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