You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
