I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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