I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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