I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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