doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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