Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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