Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize