Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
