Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
