Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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