Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
