My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
