I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
