Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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