His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
