Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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