His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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